Emmett did what?
by bhefoWEFefWEF
Summary: Emmett, Emmett, Emmett. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Rated T because we all know Emmett far too well.
1. Bella's present

**Im writing yet _another_ story :D It's really just a side bit like "Twilight IM" that I do when I can't be bothered writing "It's The Only Way."**

**All of Emmett's random adventues are set in breaking dawn, so... that means Resnesmee :) It's all in ****Emmett POV**** unless I say otherwise. By the way I choose Emmett because he reminds me of a little kid. Hehe. (Team Jasper 4 life!) Right-o.... have fun!**

**Chapter 1**

"Emmetttttt" I heard Alice screech through the trees scaring away the elk I was about to pounce on, I didn't bother chasing it.

"Yeeeeeees Allyyy?" I sang to her. She jumped through the trees practically dragging Jasper by the hand.

"Hey dweeb. Hey Jazz." I said grinning at Alices disgruntled expression. "Wow Jasper, did that new g-string you got Ally get stuck up her crack?" I asked trying to keep my voice innocent. Alice hissed at me, Jasper looked on the verge of bursting out laughing. I pushed him.. "Jazz, you need to get her a bigger size g, because the small ones will get stuck up Ally-poos big bottom." Ha I got him! Jasper burst out laughing holding his gut. Alice honestly looked like she was gonna rip my head off.

"Shut. Up. Jasper." She growled. Jaspers mouth snapped shut but his cheeks bulged out as the giggles hit the wall of his teeth, trying to escape. I grinned at them both. Alice glared even harder at me.

"So what is so important that you scared my elk away?" I asked after Jasper finally composed his face. Alices face turned cute and pleading. She wanted something.

"Emmett, your the best brother in the world." She said smoothly.

"I know right! Finally someone who thinks the same!" I rejoyced sarcasticly. Jasper grinned and snorted.

"And because your so awesome... can you.. come shopping with us?!" She begged in her most adorable voice.

"Why me?" I whined

"Because.... Bella & Rosalie are to absorbing in brushing Nessie's hair, Esme is out hunting with Carlisle, Theres no fucking way Im taking Edward, for good reason, and Jazzy plainly refuses to come unless you come too." She said all this in a rush but my super vampy ears caught every word.

"Do I have to..?" I moaned.

"Yes... we will buy Bella a.. present." She winked evilly at me.

"Yes! Anyway to humillate Belly-poo, I'm so in."

"Yay!" Alice rejoyced clapping her hands.

"Car. Now." She directed us.

*

"Can we go get Bella her present now?" I whined as Jasper and I were getting dragged toward the 54th shop at the 4th mall.

"All in due time big bro." She skipped into a lingerae shop and Jasper suddlenly looked interested.

"Im starting to think it wasn't worth coming." I muttered.

"Oh don't worry it is." She giggled "Have a looked around Emmy." She patted my arm and glided to a rack. Pfft look around, why would look around in a women lingerae shop? But I did. I looked at every garment imaging it on Roses banging body... Then I saw it. What I was subconciously searching for. I had a brainwave. Before I knew it Alice was at my side in a fit of giggles.

"Edward _and_ Bella will be pissed!" He continued laughing.

"Two birds with one stone!"

"Well go buy it, I have a vivid in the car." She obviously hadn't told Jasper, as his face was confused as ever when I grabbed a plain white g-string and headed for the counter.

"Just this please." I said cheerfully to a small women behind the counter. She glanced up wide-eyed at me.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes! Can't gays buy g's here?!" I mused.

"Uhmmm, of course sir!" She said handing a small pink bag to me as I handed her $24.95. I strutted over to a confused looking Jasper and a giggling Alice.

"I don't ge-"

"All in due time, lil bro." I said inturrupting Jasper. The car ride home was exciting I couldn't wait to see Bella's face. As we parked outside our house, Alice threw a vivid at me. "Have fun." She laughed.

"Oh I will." I said grinning. I snapped off the lid and scribbled on the g-string. I did a few hearts around my master piece. I skipped up to the the house.

"Hooooooneeeey I'm hoooome!" I called Rosalie appeared in front of me and kissed me on the lips.

"Hiyah Bells and Nessie."

"Uncle Emmy." Nessie said hugging my leg cutely.

"Bella, I have a present here for you. But I need the whole family here. Now." As I said that Edward, Carlisle & Esme appeared along with Jacob and Seth. Bella huffed.

"Fine give it to me." She said annoyed.

"It's from me and Ally." I winked.

"HEY! Leave me out of this!" Alice protested.

"Fine. Just from me." I said rolling my eyes at Alice. Bella cauitously opened the pink bag. Jasper was the first to burst out laughing. Closely followed by Jacob, Seth and Rose. Carlisle chuckled and Esme giggled. Nessie looked confused. Edward looked half amused half angry. Bella glared at me.

"Why you little!" She screamed chasing me out the door leaving the g-string lying on the ground it read: TEAM JACOB. A paw print was drawn next to it and a few hearts floated around it. No-one knew this yet, but on the back it read: Edward can suck it.

**Haha hope you enjoyed that! Reviewww :D Also if you have a good idea for R.A.O.E add thatin ya review.. **

**Sophie x**


	2. Hogwarts

**Welcome to another episode of… *Drum Roll* THE RANDOM ADVENTURES OF EMMETT!! Since it's so cool it has a codename! :D And that code name is… R.A.O.E I didn't add the T for the, because the sucks. **** Any who… Enjoy my friends!**

I sighed and pulled myself away from Rose as the sun shined through the window hit mine and Rose's bare chests. Dam Rose, she's so fussy. If she didn't think that my sexy sparkles hurt then we could get it on all through the night _and _day. I thought her sparkles tickled in a good way. I got up and got changed. I flew down the stairs four at a time. I skidded to a stop just before hitting Resnesmee. She grows up so fast. She already looked eleven.

"Morning Nessie!" I boomed.

"Morning Uncle Emmett." She replied with a grin which I returned twice as big. Just then Edward walked in turning a small envelope in his hands.

"Wow, accurate much?" He muttered to himself. "Nessie it's for you." He said passing it to Resnesmee. "The weird thing is that an owl delivered it." Everyone was looking at her now. She grabbed it and started opening it as I watched over her shoulder. On the front it read: Resnesmee Carlie Cullen. Downstairs, Cullen Mansion, Forks, Washington. Wow, Edward wasn't kidding about the accurate and the weird. I saw Edward nod out of the corner of my eye. I watched as Nessie pulled out a letter and unfolded it. I saw a familiar crest.

"HOGWARTS!!!!" I yelled in Nessie's ear.

"OMG!" Jasper Screamed.

"It doesn't exist Emmy." Rose said rolling her eyes.

"CAN I COME WITH YOU RESNESMEE?!" I pleaded. Everyone else looked like they were in disbelief. Resnesmee stared in shock at the letter. She flipped over the page and the books list was there.

"I'm so coming! You reckon I could pass for eleven Ness?" I asked. I woke her up from my daze. She snorted.

"Yeah right, good luck with that!" She scoffed.

"I'll manage." I said grinning.

"Is this for real?" Carlisle asked softly.

"Looks like it." Edward said reading Resnesmee's letter. Bella's head snapped up towards Alice.

"How didn't you see this?" She growled at Alice. She obviously didn't like the idea. But I'd be with Resnesmee so she'd be fine! Alice looked shocked at Bella's reaction.

"Oh sorry your highness, I don't watch Dumbledore's every move." She said sarcastically.

"You should." Bella mumbled. Esme squealed and everyone looked at her.

"What?" Jasper asked.

"This means we can go shopping!" She rejoiced.

"YES!" Alice cheered. Pfft girls have a one track mind. Edward nudged me.

"So do men." Oh said. I remembered last night with Rose.

"So true, so true." I mumbled.

"Can I go?" She begged to Edward. Edward stared back at her for a little while.

"YAY!" Alice cheered again. "You're going Resnesmee." She said confidently.

"But I was going to say no!" Edward protested.

"I know. But Emmett was going to pester you because he wanted to wear a pointy hat. You were going to give it." She grinned.

"That's true, those hats are awesome." Resnesmee laughed.

"We can wear them together Uncle Emmett!"

"Yay!" I giggled. Man I sound like a little girl.

"Right-o lets go get you two your Hogwarts uniform, Edward forge a Hogwarts letter so Emmett can get in." Carlisle commanded.

*

So here's how it went down. We went to Diagon Alley (Yay!) We brought all Nessies stuff. Then we went to get my uniform, but there was no men's left, so I got females. But luckily there was a wig shop next door! I'm now Emwina, a blond bombshell.

*

_Man I look good!_ I thought as me and Nessie walked into our first ever Hogwarts class! I'm so excited! We sat into a bench and a slimy haired man walked in with a hooked nose high in the air. His hair fell like curtains over his dark eyes. _SNAPE!_ I've seen him on the Harry Potter movie!

"Alright. Roll call." He croaked to us.

"Harry Potter."

"Here."

"Draco Malfoy."

"Here."

"Cedick Diggory."

"Here, sir."

_Kiss ass_. Resnesmee turned around and looked at the Kiss ass himself.

"OMG! He looks exactly like Dad! Except with gay hair." He whispered. I turned to look at him. Wow he did. _Edward! Edward! _I thought trying to catch his attention. Woops._ Cedric! Cedric! _Nessie looked at me. "He can't read minds Emmett." She muttered. Ahh, she knew me so well.

"Resnesmee Cullen." Snape's homosexual voice interrupted my thoughts of nothing.

"Here." Nessie replied.

"What a horrible name." Snape snarled at her.

"Oi!" I growled standing up. He raised his eyebrows at me.

"Oh… um… Exxxusssee me." I said in a high pitched voice.

"Yes?" He replied dully.

"Don't talk to her like that!" I protested. He ignored me.

"What your name?" He asked.

"Emme- Emwina Cullen." I replied.

"Are you two twins?" He asked cocking his head to the side. I snorted.

"Pfft, No! Are you thick or what! I'm here un-" Nessie nudged me in the ribs hard. Ow.

"Then why are you the same age, with the same last name?"

"Ummm…" I glanced at Nessie. "Help." I hissed.

"We're cousins." Resnesmee declared standing up.

"Right." He said sounded bored. What a dick. I decided to insult him.

"What a dick!" I half yelled at him.

"Get out now!" He screamed standing up. I stomped towards the door.

"You too, Resnesmee." He snarled at her. As soon as we got into the corridor we bailed. Running to.. well.. anywhere! We ended up at the Quidditch pitch.

"What's that?" Nessie asked pointing to a cup laying in the middle, glowing.

"Dunna, lets poke it!" I said grinning. We ran up to it and poked it at exactly the same time. Suddlenly the world was spinning and we landed dizzily on the hard ground. I looked around. We we're in a graveyard. I heard a cold hard voice coming from behind me.

"Yesterday, Harry Potter escaped from my clutches. AGAIN!" He yelled. We stood up silently but not silently enough. He turned around or should I say it.

"EWWW LOOK AT IT'S DEMENTED NOSE." I Screamed. He yelled some kind of gibberish and pointed a stick at me. A jet of green light shot into my chest. It stung a bit.

"Ow" I said rubbing my chest. "What did you do that for you dipshit?"

"What. The. Fuck." He said.

"Oh I see! Your Mould wart!" I exclaimed.

"Voldemort." He growled.

"Whatever." I shrugged. Wait didn't he kill Cedric yesterday? Then how was he in class? Wait! It was Cedick in class, not Cedric! Weird!

"You deserve this for killing someone who looks like Edward but with fucked up hair." I said strutting up to him. I pushed him square in the face.

"Ha! Shame boy!" I walked over to Resnesmee and grabbed her arm. She did something she called 'apperating' or whatever. We were suddenly back in the Cullen lounge. Everyone looked up at us shocked.

"Back so soon?" Carlisle asked.

"Yep! We are too cool for school. Also we needed to return this to you Bella." I shot her white g-string at her.

"Team Jacob G-String! WOOO" Jacob yelled coming out of the kitchen his mouth full of chicken.

_**Sorry it wasn't very good! But it was fun to write! **___


	3. No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service

**Heeeeyyy! :) Emmett has emerged from the back of my mind again bringing ou a brand new adventure! Rated PG because we all know that Emmett likes to use colourful words! Before I start heres the disclaimer that I forgot to put at the start of my world altering series :)**

***-*Disclaimer*-***

**Me: Emmett, how about you not throw that pickle at me?**

**Emmett: You can't control me!**

**Stephanie Meyer: But I can! Mwahahahaha!**

**Stephanie Meyer will never give away Emmett, The Cold Crew, The Space Heaters and all their little people friends. 'Cause who knows how we would murder Bella if we had control?**

R.A.O.E- Episode 3- No shirt, no shoes, no service.

I skipped down the stairs ready for a fun filled day.

"Lalalalalalalala"

"SHUTUP EMMETT!" Edward yelled moodly.

Woah even Edward didn't annoyed at me _that_ fast.

"Oppsie daisy, Eddy I think you might be having your period mate." I said coming to a stop in front of him. Before he had time to react Jasper walked up next to me.

"BURN!" He yelled snapping his fingers like a diva.

"SNAP" I said giving Jazzy a loud high five before he walked off again. Edward growled.

"Okay, okay. Don't get your g in a twist dude." I said punching his arm. He glared at me.

"Going!" I said quickly puting my hands up defencively before walking over and plonking myself on the sofa next to Jasper.

"Why's Eddy-poo PMSing?" I whispered to Jasper.

"I CAN STILL HEAR YOU!" Edward yelled.

"Shut up Edwart, just because you couldn't get it up for Belly last night doesn't mean you gotta take it out on us" I retalliated, Jasper had a giggle fit. Suddlenly Edward was standing in front of us, red-eyed.

"Edwipe! Have you been crying?!" I said amazed, trying to hold back laughter while Jasper litreally 'Rofl' I didn't even know we could cry! Edward sniffed.

"No! I... just.. just got something in my eye!"

I snorted.

"Get out." He ordered with a mean look.

"Don't have to tell me twice!" I said running out the door. I could sense Jasper behind me. We started walking towards the cottage.

"So why was Edward so grumpy." I asked. Jasperstarted laughing.

"I'm pretty sure it_ is _'cause he couldn't get it up." He said cracking up.

"Ohemgee! For real!?"

"Yep."

"How do yu know? Did he tell you?" I asked.

"Nah, when I walked in this morning he was looking down his pants saying; 'why couldn't I get it up?'"

"HAHAHAHAHA!" I burst out.

"Don't let Bella know that we know."

"Mhmm." I agreed with crossed fingers. I'm so gonna mess with Bella today. We arrived to find a boring Bella and a reading Renesmee. Typical.

"Hey, hey, hey!" I said inviting myself in.

"Hey Uncle Em and Uncle Jazz." Renesmee smiled up from her book. I swear she was bigger than she was yesterday she looked almost sixteen. Bella was in dreamland, she was completely zoned out. Nessie noticed this and took the oppurtunatity to get away with something.

"Uncles can you please go to starbucks and get me soe coffee?" She' asked quietly.

"Oooooo naughty. We've been told to give you caffine." I stated shaking my head.

"Oh sorry Uncle Emmett. I thought you we're a cool uncle, my mistake." She said sadly.

"WHAT? I am so cool! Com'on Jazzy-poo lets go get Nessie some coffee." I dragged Jasper to Starbucks.

***

"What kind of rule is 'no shirt, no shoes, no service'" I muttered.

"A pretty good one I think. It's to keep people that forget to get changed in the morning -like us- from making people uncomfterable with us being in our underwear." He stated.

"Oh."

We sat outside of starbucks for two hours waiting for the ady on shift to leave so we could pushover the pushover eguine that worked there. We strolled in the shop me in my breifs and Jasper in his boxers. We gota few stares from hot chicks, I gave them a few winks.

"Yo Eguine, one coffee." I ordered when I got to the counter. Eguine looked up at us from under the cap he wore to hide his carrot top and acne.

"Ummm, sworry... Jan Sswiad I wass not to swerve you till you got swhirts and swhoes on." He croaked.

"Why are you talking like that?" Jasper asked rudely. I snorted.

"U-uhm my Mom swaid that I have a l-lisssp." He said looking down.

"What kind of cruel person put a 's' in lisp?" I said low enough so that only Jasper could hear. He put

his hand over his mouth to block the giggles.

"Oh sad, so you gunna get me a coffee or what?" I said abit impatient.

"Uhm.."

"Okay I see, you'll get in trobule if you do I said glancing at the 'no shirt, no shoes, no service.' sign.

"Thats cool, all you gotta do is give me your shoes and your shirt then let me buy a dam coffee. Then Jan walked up to us with a mean look on her face. I grabbed Jasper and put him in front of me like a shield. She slammed a coffee on the counter.

"Take it and piss off, there's a huge line." She ordered.

***

"Do starbucks workers have coffee breaks?" I wondered aloud as we opened the door to the cottage.

"Dunno." Jasper answered. I passed Nessie her coffee and took a step back. Renesmee litereally started boncing off the walls. Bella woke up from her daze in shock. She glared at me.

"What did you do?" She accused.

"Woah Jazz, Bellas in a shitty too! I think its because Edward couldn't get it up last night. Belly-poo you should have worn your team Jacob g-string. That would have got it up."

**Sorry for spelling again! Theres no autocorrect because the computer is being a gay! :( Like it? Hate it? Review anyway!!! Please :) I love reviews ALOT!**


	4. Watch out, it's Wednesday

**Welcome to yet another.... RANDOM ADVENTURES OF EMMETT!!! *YAY* No Authors note really just felt weird starting it without writing a note. So the note can be: Hi. Enjoy my friends. Also don't forget to review. **

"I WAS LIKE BABY BAB-"

"NOOOOOO SHUT THE FREK UP!" Jasper shouted up the stairs.

"Y OOOOOOH, LIKE BABY BABY BABY OOOOOH." I continued joyfully.

As I turned the corner at the bottom of the stairs a broom came flying out of nowhere and hit me square in the face. The nowhere I speak of, was Jaspers hand.

"WHAT THE HELL YOU MENTAL?!" I yelled jumping back maybe a little too femalely. Jasper strutted off.

"Moron!" I called after him rubbing my face where he had hit me.

"Gosh, some people these days." I mumbled.

"Loose interpretation of the word 'people' you think?" I heard a soft voice behind me. I know that voice from anywhere. The only voice that would keep me from doing something outrageous after years of putting up with Edward's mood swings.

"ROSE! You're back!" I rejoiced catching Rosalie's totally hot body in an iron grasped hug.

"Well, I do tend to come back from getting a magazine don't I?" She giggled at my over reaction of her return from her 5 minute trip.

"Anything could have happened!" I said defending myself. Why, oh why do I _always_ make a fool of myself in front of _everyone_?

"Like what?" She urged me.

"Spiderman could have fallen in love with you when he saw you in the streets then come and kidnapped you and took you to his secret tree house in Vietnam and raped you so then you had little spider-vampire babies that look really pretty like you but also wore scary masks like Spiderman. Then Spiderman could have bribed me to get you back but I refuse and go kick his butt. Then I get you back and you get eaten by a bear." I rushed out with wide eyes. Man my scary stories scare myself... I mean imagine getting eaten by a bear!

"You have problems..." She said slowly backing away going back upstairs.

"Check your cupboard for Spiderman! I think that's where he keeps his chocolate!" I called up after her.

I stood there like a idiot for a few seconds before I decided on what to do. Annoy the hell out of Bella.

I opened the door to Eddy and Bells cottage.

"Gotta catch me first!" Bella yelled running into the main entrance. Am I seeing this? Bella running into the main entrance, naked?!

She stop dead in her tracks.

"I bet I can!" Edward yelled running in, also naked.

He, also stopped dead in his tracks.

My head flipped in between both of them at record speed.

Oh I am seeing this! I fell on the floor laughing. Bella raced into the other room while Edward picked up a nearby towel or sheet or something and wrapped in around him.

"Uh, hi Emmett."

I was to busy 'lol-ing' to even bother replying.

"Um, what you up to?" Edward said awkwardly.

I pulled myself from the floor. "Not much just... fooling around." I burst into another fit of laughter.

"Don't be so immature Emmett. I be-" He said icely.

"Me immature? _Never!_"

"I bet you... 'do it' with Rose all the time." He continued.

"You know it! I'm just not stupid enough to not notice someone coming and quickly put some clothes on!" I chuckled. Did I just snap Edward?

"SNAP."

Edward glared at me. "We were a bit preoccupied." He said grinning like a fool.

"I thought emotional guys like you were so much like women that you could multitask?" I asked.

Edward growled. "No." He said through clenched teeth.

"And you were doing it with a child in the house?!" I asked outraged.

"She's out with Alice." Bella said walking into the room, fully dressed.

"Thank god! I was beginning to think you didn't own any clothes Bells!" I joked.

She looked embarrassed. Man, I wish she was still human. I loved making that blush go redder and redder.

"I bet your blushing under that rock hard vampire skin!" I said grabbing her cheeks gently like a great aunty commenting on how chubby her niece's cheeks are.

She slapped my hand away. "No." She said defensibly. Maybe a bit to defensibly... dun dun dunnnn.

Edward shifted his weight uncomfortably. "Oh, Emmett. It's your turn to cook Resnesmee's tea tonight."

"Shit, really? It's Wednesday?" I asked.

"Yep."

"Crapola." I cussed.

"Edward..." Bella said slowly. "I thought we agreed?"

I snorted. "I promise not to poison your daughter. Esme will be watching over my every move in preparation for Renesmee's grand feast tonight." I recited. Like I do _every single_ Wednesday.

Bella still looked worried.

"It's okay." Edward said "Esme will be there."

Bella nodded. "She doesn't like eggs, strawberry jam, jel-

"Jelly, mayonnaise, mustard, custard or grapes." I finished. "_I know._"

Bella huffed. "What are you making her?" She asked cautiously.

"No idea." I answered honestly. "Better hop to it then." I said clapping my hands together. "Have fun" I winkied before I shut the door behind me.

"Now where were we?" I heard Edward say as soon as I had left. I heard a giggle and a ripping noise. Bella won't have any clothes left if he keeps doing that.

"Human food, human food human food." I mumbled as I opened and closed the fridge and pantry.

"What the hell do humans eat?" I threw my hands in the air with frustration.

"Need help?" A helpful and always comforting voice came from the doorway. I turned to see Esme leaning in the doorframe, arms crossed lightly.

"Would you?" I pleaded.

"No." She grinned. "You figure out what you're making _then _ I'll help.

"FUDGECAKES!" I cursed. I stormed out of the room.

"Stupid Esme. Won't help me." I mumbled as I strode out the door and plumped my self onto the front doorstep.

I sat and thought and thought and sat. For about... one minute?

I saw a little white mushroom on the lawn and got a genius idea. I sprinted to the mushroom and kicked it with all my might.

"LOL!" I cheered.

Okay, now what to make for Resnesmee...

"MUSHROOM!" I yelled running to another mushroom ready for a kick.

"Soup. Make mushroom soup." Esme said. I stopped mid stride, smacked my head. Duh, why am I so stupid?

"ESME! I LOVE YOU!" I said jumping and blowing her a kiss. She rolled her eyes and walked back inside.

I ran around picking up all the mushrooms. I got about... 3.

"That shall be enough for one small half vampire child!" I called dramatically.

I skipped inside and Esme was waiting for me in the kitchen.

"How many did you get?" She asked peering into my hands that I was holding triumphfully into the air.

"3." I said proudly.

"Hope that's enough." She said worried.

"Sure it will be. Nessie's not that hungus." I said.

"I suppose so." She said. "Okay let's get started eh?" She said running her hands under the tap.

"First wash your hands. Nessies half human she can get sick and will if you don't wash properly." I nodded. She mumbled something that sounded like "God only knows where your hands have been."

"I'll ignore that last comment." I said washing my hands with far too much soap.

Three broken bowls, seven broken plates and a few bent forks later...

"A MASTER PIECE!" I yelled in an Italian accent.

Esme grimaced at the grey mush served up in a bowl. She walked out as I put the finishing touches on the soup.

"How is it?" Bella asked worried.

"It's... eatable." Esme replied.

I picked up the bowl and walked into the other room. The whole family was gathered to see how my meal turned out. Just like every Wednesday . Resnesmee sat in the chair, looking concerned.

"Voila!" I said placing the owl in front of her.

She didn't look that discusted.

"Thats not bad, for you Emmett." Carlisle said draping his arm over Esme's shoulder.

I puffed my chest out proudly.

Nessie picked up her spoon and placed a spoonful into her mouth. Everyone leaned forward in anticipation.

She processed her meal a bit before answering.

"You know what?" She started. "I don't like mushrooms."


End file.
